Totally Truthful: The Romance Novel Vortex

I have a tendency to binge. Not on food (unless it’s chocolate covered cranberries), but on books; specifically, romance novels. I know this is a bad habit, but every two months or so, I CAN’T HELP MYSELF. I open Amazon, go to the free Kindle books section, and start downloading all the free romance novels I can find. Well, I limit myself to 3. Maybe 4. Then, I curl up under my covers, turn on my reading lamp, and go.

Me and mah Kindle

Me and mah Kindle

Romance novels are not by any means great literature. If you haven’t read one, they follow this plot line: Boy and girl meet, usually under adverse/questionable circumstances. They bicker, lust after each other, have sex, hit a plot twist, and end up together in the end. IT’S SO CORNY, yet so addicting for some reason. Maybe my brain just needs a break.

Here are some of my favorite plot lines:

Grumpy cowboy finds love in single mother who for some reason thought it would be easier to raise her child on a ranch.

Saucy independent girl finally finds her soulmate in dark, domineering male…who is usually rich.

Girl hides pregnancy because she doesn’t feel that man wants to be father. 7 years later, everyone finds out because they can see the family resemblance in the eyes (always the eyes). Man turns out to be awesomely honorable, and boom, it happens all over again.

Victorian novels are great: Prim and proper Victorian girl with a spirited streak meets a pirate. They argue, have their differences, then have sex and end up married or something. The parents approve, because of course the pirate is like their surrogate son.

But the best one so far?

Guy and girl meet drunkenly in Vegas. They wake up married…and stay married. Because, of course, the male is experiencing pressure from his mother to get married so that the family fortune can be passed on, and the girl has been looking for marriage all along.

Drivel, nonsense, baloney, bananas…. That’s what it is. None of it really happens (but if it has, please let me know in the comments, because I would love to hear it).

Accessories matter. They can be anything from earrings to the backpack you’re wearing to the book that you’re reading. That’s right; the book that you’re reading. I’ll admit it–I would never read a romance novel anywhere but curled up in my own abode. On the train or on a lunch break, I’ll read Room, Zoo, We Are Anonymous, and currently, Les Miserables. (I have discovered that there is really no way to read Les Mis other than to completely entrench yourself in it. Took me a while to get started.) The books that you read speak to your intelligence and interests, just like your shoes and your shirt and your more “traditional” accessories speak to your personality.

So, if you get the chance, put down Buxom Lass Hugging a Pirate and pick up Cloud Atlas or something slightly less bananas before you head out the door. Load up your Kindle with all that free classic awesomeness. Really need that romance fix? Snag Pride and Prejudice or Emma. Jane Austen just may have been the one to start this, after all.

[If I ever get two English bulldogs, they will be named Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley. Dog houses will be named accordingly.]

If you’re super interested in what I’m reading, check out my Goodreads profile. I’m always looking for book recommendations–leave ’em in the comments below!

XOXOXO (If you put an extra X, some one has 2 pairs of legs)

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Totally Truthful: Waxing

***If you happen to be a gent, and don’t want to know about any feminine grooming habits, this is probably not the post for you. Go read about bow-ties (they’re cool).***

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Going “bare down there.” It’s a trend, dontcha know. (Such a trend that it’s starting to put a real damper on the lifestyle of pubic lice.) Some choose to navigate the stormy seas with a razor, while others sign up for the once a month ripping of hair out of their nether regions. What you do is up to you–bare, a little bit, or all of it all the time. I just want to let you know that you are not alone in your quest for the perfect groom.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIP. You may have experienced the sensation firsthand, or you’ve heard it while getting a pedicure. Maybe neither of these two things, but you’ve definitely heard other women talk about. You’ve seen the Yelp reviews.

I recently had a terrible experience at a waxing salon. I won’t give you the full recap here (if you want that, check out my Yelp review) but I just want you to know that she spent a good five to ten minutes getting wax off my foot. My foot. You read that right. When asked about my waxing experiences, here are the questions that I most often answer:

1. That hurts, doesn’t it? Yes, yes it does. Whether you’re getting just your bikini line done or the full deal, someone is pulling out all that hair. Now, depending on what type of hair you have, how often you wax/groom/etc, the amount of “Ouch!” that you experience will differ. Your aesthetician and the type of wax used will play a huge factor in this.

2. Isn’t it awkward? It will be for you the first time or two that you go. For your aesthetician? Nope, probably not. Just remember, she’s seen pretty much everything. Not only that, but she can probably give you lots of good advice on dry skin and other issues that you may encounter while grooming. Your aesthetician is your friend, and he or she is going to do everything possible to make you feel comfortable during your experience. This isn’t just a one-time deal–they want you to come back!

3. Is there a special kind of wax? The answer is YES. Lots of places just use a plain old honey wax, but if you find that you have super sensitive skin, check out different salons. Some aestheticians use waxes with lotion, some use hard wax–it varies by salon. Normally, the more you pay, the better quality wax you should expect to receive. This is not the rule, however. One aesthetician I went to used this awesome blue hard wax that clung only to hair; it didn’t pull of my top layer of skin like many soft waxes do. The best part? She only charged $30. I would love to find a salon in Chicago that uses that wax.

The bottom line here? Find someone with whom you are comfortable. It may not be the first person you try. It may not be the person that your friend recommended. Remember, never be afraid to USE YOUR WORDS. If the aesthetician is using wax that’s too hot, tell her. If you know a certain spot hurts more than others, just ask her to hold it for another couple seconds. You may find out that you have to go to a couple different salons before you get the perfect wax.

So don’t be afraid. Go forth. Get waxed. Go shave. Or don’t. But if you have questions or experiences, please don’t hesitate to leave them in the comments below 😉

Ton’s o’ X’s and O’s